Quieting a Fussy Baby (Order of Operations)

Do you remember PEMDAS (or Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally) from high school or possibly grade school for you overachievers.  Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition and Subtraction (PEMDAS) is the Order of Operations or the order which to perform the various arithmetic in mathematical expressions [E.g., (9-4)+45/9^6].  Basically, the order to follow in finishing or solving an equations.

I've come up with a very similar concept for addressing crying or fussy babies - PUBGEMS - "Peel Up the Baby Giraffe Embroidered on My Shirt."

1. (P)oop                      
2. (U)rine                          
3. (B)oobie/bottle                 
4. (G)Gas                                       
5. (E)nvelop            
6. (M)otion                              
7. (S)Sucker                 

1) Poop:  I always smell my baby near the diaper area.  After only 3 days of changing diapers, I can smell a soiled breast-fed baby diaper from 100 ft away.  This step is first because it's the easiest and least intrusive.

2) Urine:  Check for urine or a wet diaper.   My son develops what looks like a baby cod piece when he wets his diaper.  It's kind of funny, but it's pretty good indicator that he needs to be changed. The diapers swells and gets squishy in the front.  This step is second, because it is easy, but slightly more intrusive than the smell test.

Shhhhh! Quiet! The Baby's Sleeping

We've all watched movies or television shows in which babies can be awakened with sound of a pin dropping or more likely dad comedicly stubbing his toe on furniture and trying not to scream in pain.  I can't speak for all babies, but Clark can sleep through almost anything.  In case you were concerned, yes, he did pass his hearing test.  However, moderately loud to low sounds, including regular conversation, phones ringing, television audio and dinner prep don't disturb him, especially when he is asleep.

Shhhhh! Nevermind!

The instructor of our baby class mentioned that babies can hear quite well in the womb.  They basically hear all the sounds going on around mommy during the later half of their time in the womb, even above the sounds of mommy's internal going-ons.  This establishes the ambient noise level of which the baby becomes accustomed.  So if you have yapping dogs around barking during the pregnancy, the baby will probably be used to that sound when he makes his grand entrance (or exit depending on how you look at it).

Well, Clark has a pretty loud dad, so I guess he was prepared for pretty much any sound that might otherwise disturb him.  So it might make for great comedy, but unless you live and work in a library, your baby will probably not be that sensitive to the usual sounds found in his or her mother's daily environment.

I wonder if that's applies if mommy works a jackhammer for a living?  Hmmm

       - Clark's Dad

Update: @ 8 weeks - I say throw everything in this article out the window.  I'm so grateful when Clark falls asleep, that I don't want anything to ruin it.  So I do walk around on eggshells, trying not to "stub my toe."  Parents can go about their daily routines, but baby sleep time is so valuable they probably don't want to risk it. 

Update: @ 8 months - He wakes up erratically on his own before a pin drop has the chance to wake him up.  So, no eggshell walking in our house.  Plus, our upstairs neighbors are stomping around up there all day and night anyway.  So, if he can sleep through that, not much of what I do should disturb him.

Putting an Infant Car Seat in Shouldn't Require a PhD

With all due respect to my writing partner, Alejandra's dad, who has an engineering degree,  it doesn't take an engineering degree to install a baby car seat.

People make it out to be more complicated than it needs to be.  If you place the infant car seat in the center of the back seat of your car, installation is not much different than fastening your seat belt on an airplane.  Thread the "center" lap belt through the base of the car seat.  Then tighten as much as possible. Ta Da!   Otherwise place the seat on the left or right side of the back seat.  Thread the shoulder-lap belt through the base of the car seat.  Pull the belt to its furthest extent and then tighten.  You are done!  Place baby seat on base and you can go about your parental business.

The guy from the "Baby Store" who helped us wheel the box with our travel system that included our car-seat, said he had purchased the same model and his wife had the same car model as my wife.  He mentioned that in order for this brand-new car seat to function properly he had to weld a hook onto the back seat.  Um ... Why?

The instructor of our baby-care class told the class a story in which a father who went to pick up his wife and new baby from the hospital was told that his car seat was improperly installed and incompatible with his car.  He purchased two more car seats that day until he found one that worked and was able to get his baby released from the hospital holding cell.  That story can't be true, because I'm pretty sure 98% or more * of all cars are compatible with nearly every car seat installation by following the super easy instruction mentioned above without any deviations or welding classes required.

Baby Toys and Batteries

Don't forget me!

Every baby toy I've encountered thus far comes "batteries not included".   So you'll need to stock up on batteries. Most baby related products that need batteries have battery covers that are screwed down. This is a bit of a pain, but it's to prevent small children from getting to the batteries.  Otherwise, they'd try to eat them like odd shaped candies and choke, as they are apt to do with anything that gets close to their mouths.

Once you unscrew the battery cover, you'll discover an oddity. In my entire life I can only recall devices taking an even number of batteries (e.g., 2, 4, 6, etc.).  Throw that out the window.  Most of the toys and battery operated baby distractions for our child require an odd number of batteries.   To quote Kenan Thompson's character on SNL "What up wit that?"

For example: the musical night light attached to the Clark's playard requires 3-AA batteries (that's 4.5 volts for you science majors.)   Why not four batteries?   His baby rocker requires one D battery [there's a Do The Right Thing reference in there somewhere]).  Why not two batteries?  This necessitates awkward battery purchases and storage, as batteries are only sold in even numbers.

I mention these things as just somethings to be aware of, just another eccentricity of new parenthood.

       - Clark's Dad

The Baby's Coming!

Tick-Tock

My wife has been having contractions all day and all night.  She is resting now, but my first child will probably be born tomorrow (well today, since it's after midnight). It's difficult to put the feelings into words.  It is both colossal and banal.  Colossal to you/me/parents.  Banal for the nurses and doctors who do it everyday. It's a striking dichotomy.

The only words that come to mind are "And it shall be!"


     - Clark's Dad

An Expectant Father's Thoughts Nearing the Finish Line

(At 38 weeks and 4 days)

Waiting for the egg to hatch

You ever played baseball? Right now, the birth of my first son is imminent. Each minutes feels like standing at home plate against a hard thrower wondering what pitch he's going to throw at you.   Is it going to be a fastball again or an off-speed pitch?   Inside or outside? High or low? You know something is coming, but you're not exactly sure what it's going to be like when it happens?

Maybe it's more like waiting for a jury to return a verdict: waiting for your fate to be decided and it's no longer in your hands.   You also don't know when they'll return and you'll have a very short notice when they do. Either way, things are going to be very different.

I'm waiting for the most important package I'll ever receive, but I don't know when the package is going to be delivered.  I've been given an expected delivery date, but it could arrive sooner or later than expected.

My beautiful big bellied wife looks like she's about to pop.   The bun is baking, but not yet ready to come out.

I woke up this morning after a crazy dream.  I rubbed my wife's belly.  As I did, she said, "I guess things are going to be different around here."  "They sure are," I replied.

          - Clark's Dad

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